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Just the other day, my colleagues and I were having a random trip down high school memory lane — from our weirdest pranks to JS Proms all the way to the most insane incidents and people we’ve been with. As much as it felt good to look back and laugh about every bit of humiliation each of us had back then, one particular topic was brought up — cutting (you know, the suicide kind).

I don’t want to make any stand on whether or not this is a normal thing. I’ll just share what I think.

Ever felt like you are wrong all your life? Like you have no right to be happy even for a while because you got used to people making you feel like you don’t deserve it? Like you really want to be better, but you can’t, because everybody’s watching everything you’re doing? How about that feeling when you can’t not notice the pain you see in other people? Like you want to make them feel good, to make their lives a little bit a-okay, but you can’t, because you have this pre-installed thought in your mind that even yourself is a fucked up mess?

Have you ever been to those moments when you wonder when you’re gonna be okay? And then you’d realize, things have been like this ever since, and you’d lose all hope that they will ever change. That’s when you feel like ending everything now. Because the weight of the unspoken emotions and unheard thoughts is already too heavy to bear that it’s crushing you. And then you’d realize that whether or not you decide on what to do with it, you’d end up crushed: let the weight overcome you and you will get crushed, but carrying it is also crushing you slowly and more painfully. And then you’d feel like Alaska was right when she said that the only way out of the labyrinth is straight and fast.

And so you feel like you want to do something with the pain you’re feeling inside. Maybe throw it out on some sports? No. Because you feel like in order to cancel out the pain inside, you need to feel some pain outside. That’s why some people cut. Some cut because they’re seeking public attention. But I really believe that there are people who cut because they need to distract themselves from that crushing feeling. Because you can’t distract yourself, say, by keeping yourself busy at work or at school, when you’re weak inside.

Owell, I just hope certain people would stop that kind of positivity bullshit. Maybe if they don’t know what to say, they can just keep their mouths shut, yes? Oh, and if you are wise enough, you know what I mean here, or what I just did here.