I can not.

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I have been putting off writing about this for quite some time now. One, because I will surely sound like batshit crey when I do. Two, can you imagine me writing something about L-I-F-E like I have been participating all this time? The thought of it makes me cringe, too, so as much as this is so hard and awkward for you to read, please know that I am bearing three-folds of that.

In about six months, I will be turning 21. And. I. Can. Not.

You know, I can not even accept the fact that I already turned 20 some freaking six months ago, and now I’m being forced to recall the life that I have lived because I’m about to go legally legal soon. Like, what the fuck? I know I’ve been wanting to be considered an adult, for crying out loud, but I am seriously not yet ready to be a part of this mainstream bullshit coming of age thing. And yet it seems like I don’t really have a choice, so where does that leave me?

Now before I make you completely and uncomfortably conscious of your age, I would like to explain briefly why I hate this supposedly fun part of my life.

You see, I have imagined myself being 21 as someone who’s already independent. I have always wanted to be by myself since I was 18, and though I was able to achieve that in some acceptable form, the thought that three years have passed and I still haven’t completely achieved my independence is what’s been making me go nuts. I want to move out and maybe rent some pad and attend to my own needs and pay attention to no one.but myself because that’s the only way I can think of so I wouldn’t go crazy trying to find out the essence of my existence every night, yet I know I am not yet capable of that. I’ve gotten a job, but though that might be the answer to it, I have a lot of things to achieve, and to make things worse, I want all of them to happen all at once. I want to do everything and be everywhere I wanted to be all at the same time, and all by my own efforts. And that’s why I am so frustrated with myself — because I can not.

Ugh. Remind me again why I should feel good about being stuck in the middle of this age adjustment because I just can not.

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I feel like crying.

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I guess I’m getting so used to being sad lately.

I still laugh when something’s funny. I am still good at being friends with people. But once I’m on my own at home, I feel like everything is just stupid. And then I’ d get tired of smiling, that even the idea of having to twitch the corners of my mouth drains all of my energy.

Some say I’m so stubborn coz I don’t like talking about this with anyone. I really want to, you know. To talk for hours about how I imagine my life crumbling down. But I can’t find anyone to talk to. I’m friends with a lot of people but I’m so scared to share my deepest sadness and worries coz I’m afraid they won’t understand me. I’m scared they’d realize how crazy my mind can go whenever I’m alone.

I feel like crying.

I just did it.

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Just the other day, my colleagues and I were having a random trip down high school memory lane — from our weirdest pranks to JS Proms all the way to the most insane incidents and people we’ve been with. As much as it felt good to look back and laugh about every bit of humiliation each of us had back then, one particular topic was brought up — cutting (you know, the suicide kind).

I don’t want to make any stand on whether or not this is a normal thing. I’ll just share what I think.

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IDGAF

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If it haven’t fully sinked in to your understanding yet, let me say the words for you: I am a deeply unhappy person.

Warning: I’m about to rant.

I don’t know if you, or anyone in this case, have been in this phase in life where you just think everything is shit and everyone is shitting you. Or maybe, it’s the other way around. Actually, no it is not. But really, what are you gonna do if you were in my chuck taylors?

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June.

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Goodbye for now, May. Hell-o, June! 😀

No, please. Stay. Just read. You’re not gonna hear another round of “please-be-good-to-me-June” thoughts here. In all honesty, June is MY month. I mean, I hope, since it’s my birth month.

I’m not yet in the mood to talk about how awesome the previous months has been. But really, isn’t it quite scary to realize how swiftly time’s been passing?

For now, I hope you’d have a blast this June! TTYL. 😉

Single Journey: Of the MRT and of my Career

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Today is my third day at my new work. Let’s just be honest about something — I feel like flipping everything.

For starters, riding the MRT at 8AM and at 6PM every weekday is one of the most dangerous parts of my day. I don’t want to scare you or anything like that, but let me just say that if you’re wearing a button-down top and you’re to ride the train at those times, consider bringing an emergency sewing kit and extra buttons. And that’s just saying something.

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Write This For Me, Please

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Is there a way to determine the certainty and success of our decisions?

This is not another episode from the horrible movie that was my life. To be honest, this is worse. Tonight, I’m giving you behind-the-scene previews and an exclusive pass to see how every stupid act on this terrible movie was being made backstage (which some people took the liberty to refer to as the ‘mind’). Bring your lucky map because you’re in for a hellova freaking maze.

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Of the Love for My Favorite Cup of Coffee

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It occurred to me as I was having coffee this afternoon. Coffee tastes so good.

It’s been a week since I left my job and posted an obligatory farewell should-have-been speech on my website, and I would be a hypocrite if I’d say I don’t miss the people I used to work with. It’s not the first time I felt this for them (if you know what I mean and what happened March of last year) but we all know that this time around, it was my choice and come on, we all know there’s no way I’m gonna work with them on that same company anymore.

It’s been a week since I started sipping coffee again on my favorite cup during my favorite time of the day at my favorite couch with either my favorite music on the background or a book that would soon become another favorite. It’s amazing, you know, to find myself thinking life is so great at such a routinary coffee break — to not be bothered too soon that my coffee’s getting cold. To realize I’m drinking this coffee because I want to, not because I need to. To be relieved by the fact that drinking two cups will keep me awake all night — which is nothing new — and that it doesn’t matter because I’m on my favorite couch and I would be here on my favorite time probably watching a favorite movie the next day. Continue reading