I have been putting off writing about this for quite some time now. One, because I will surely sound like batshit crey when I do. Two, can you imagine me writing something about L-I-F-E like I have been participating all this time? The thought of it makes me cringe, too, so as much as this is so hard and awkward for you to read, please know that I am bearing three-folds of that.
In about six months, I will be turning 21. And. I. Can. Not.
You know, I can not even accept the fact that I already turned 20 some freaking six months ago, and now I’m being forced to recall the life that I have lived because I’m about to go legally legal soon. Like, what the fuck? I know I’ve been wanting to be considered an adult, for crying out loud, but I am seriously not yet ready to be a part of this mainstream bullshit coming of age thing. And yet it seems like I don’t really have a choice, so where does that leave me?
Now before I make you completely and uncomfortably conscious of your age, I would like to explain briefly why I hate this supposedly fun part of my life.
You see, I have imagined myself being 21 as someone who’s already independent. I have always wanted to be by myself since I was 18, and though I was able to achieve that in some acceptable form, the thought that three years have passed and I still haven’t completely achieved my independence is what’s been making me go nuts. I want to move out and maybe rent some pad and attend to my own needs and pay attention to no one.but myself because that’s the only way I can think of so I wouldn’t go crazy trying to find out the essence of my existence every night, yet I know I am not yet capable of that. I’ve gotten a job, but though that might be the answer to it, I have a lot of things to achieve, and to make things worse, I want all of them to happen all at once. I want to do everything and be everywhere I wanted to be all at the same time, and all by my own efforts. And that’s why I am so frustrated with myself — because I can not.
Ugh. Remind me again why I should feel good about being stuck in the middle of this age adjustment because I just can not.